Walking Under the Ladder

Today was one of those days that you can almost say I regret even waking up today…

Started off woke up an hour later than I’m suppose to my alarm clock didn’t ring on my cell phone but then when I double checked what time I set it on last night, I set it on 10pm instead of 10am on accident.

Hurried to CNE casino to do my table test, and I was so jittery on my text that I failed it. I don’t even know why I’ve succumbed to the pressure and was antsy during the test. Not mad at or blaming anyone….just mad at myself for not being able to perform on the test. What makes things even worst is that I have the ability to pass the test with flying colours but just wasn’t able to perform like that.

Lost the basketball game 4 times in a row…dammit I HATE losing…
Next I supported my friend who really wanted to be an amateur MMA fighter like I have been in the past, by attending his grappling tournament today. I watched him grapple, he was ready from I started I saw the most determined I’ve seen him in years.

Then, I got the news that dancing icon and the greatest performer of all time who I watched since I was a kid, Michael Jackson died of cardiac arrest.

The first match he had the skills and technicalities to beat his opponent, but his opponent was patient and outwitted him. I kept telling him to escape from half-guard but he just wouldn’t listen and went his own way and lost. I can see frustration in his eyes…I kept telling me he should have listened to me…but what is done cannot be undone…

The worst has yet to come until I got picked up from my mom and brother. I thought my mom was tired from work and told to take the back seat and let me drive while she rests. I guess it was a mistake, because the whole car ride back home was just sitting in traffic listening to my mom yell at me for little things that don’t even matter. To make things worst my brother beside me was giving me attitude. Really, I was in no mood to argue so I just took it like a punching bag takes punches. When we finally arrived at home and it was dinnertime, I guess my mom had a bad day because her yelling at me was non stop at little things too. At the point where I snapped and told her to mind her own business and that’s when all hell broke lose with her and my dad. I guess that statement aggravated my dad and he yelled at the top of his lungs and ordered me to kneel down before him, he had a long thick stick in his hand. As mad as he was I was just as pissed off and I questioned him why I had to kneel before him, but he wasn’t up for an explanation he told me to just do it. So I did as he asked, I wasn’t a bit scared of getting hit over the head with that stick, my mentality was that if the stick ever touched me I break it into pieces. My mom rushed downstairs to stop my dad. But my dad was firm, he told her to leave or else she’d get beaten too. I clenched my jaws when I heard that statement, and everyone knows how destructive and how unstoppable I am when I get angry. My dad told her to leave again, he reassured her that he has his reasons. After a long yelling back and forth reasoning with my dad, I knew I was wrong and shouldn’t treat my own mother like that. Later my dad told me he was going to strike at me with the stick as he’d done so countless of times when I was a young but the only thing holding him back was that he couldn’t take beating down his own son.

I regret saying what I said….I hated the outcome…I hope that when I lay on my death bed the only word that comes to mind when I reminisce about life is “regret”. I’ll apologize tomorrow…

Shit today brought the worst out of me…I’m tired…its getting late…its 3:30am…even the thought of today makes me sick…just hope tomorrow will be better…